The Bachelorette- live blogging the social mutants on display.

Ally is not looking her best. tone down the “orange county glow in the dark” blond and put copious amts of conditioners in it and your bottom lip looks ridonkulous. I came in late but I did see that weatherman- geek and eek. What do you want to bet that he works for an ABC affiliate? He is milking this for all its worth- he may be genuinely interested but he is also WORKING it. Pls leave.

first up is a canadian but he seems nice and has confidence

not crazy about the 2nd w/the silly joke

3- he seems nice, a bit nervous

4- ty hmmm, perhaps its just the southern accent but, good impression

5– desperate for attention- jumps out of the sunroof– what’s a matta fool- you don’t know any f’ing shakespeare? tool.

6- ouch, but he’s cute, oops loses pts for rolling around on the floor w/odder guys.

7- jay seems british and not in a good way- not diggin it.

8- i don’t like magicians

9- kasey seems comfortable w/himself- but wait I need subtitles– he’s hard to understand.

10- cheeseball kyle. just. cheeseball.

11-roberto is hot, his job is not. I love what he said though- whatever he said– he wins some points. oh, she agrees.

12– whoa a vienna slam. I think he was on a soap opera I watched in the 80’s-= ugh

13- he seems shy- could be cute.

14- tyler- seems nervous but real.

15- john gives off a real geek vibe and ugh— girls don’t like to be made to feel uncomfortable.

16- he’s got confidence- why the dramatic pause? oh, he’s desperate for camera time- its the weather man. no.

17- craig has confidence but not as easy on the eyes as the others

18- steve, is not so tall.

19- kirk is not so tall too. And we DON’T like magicians. no.

20- boots, hmm. but he does seem cute. ooops he just mistakenly tried to reference a time when she wore boots. epic fail.

21- hunter (some fool called me – so I missed him)

22- derek, cheese ball- and you better yank that leaf off her head. no- not a fan.

23- phillip- hhas a nice confidence, doesn’t seem fake.

24- derrek- oh no, he has a nick name- shooter which he will explain later. that won’t be necessary shooter, we get it.

25- does a back flip off the car– no thanks, Jason. Thanks for playing.

Does ally have a bunny tail on? I guess that’s her mic.

Her dress is just kind of there. Roberto is cute but he reminds me of mario lopez. frank is the first to ask for alone time. I don’t dig him at all but I like that he lived in Paris for a while but WHY would you move there to write screenplays. BTW never tell people you right screenplays unless we’ve seen one in the theater. Someone just said he made a scrapbook– oh, kirk, don’t tell people that (that’s between you and your gammy). Ok, he’s letting her get to know him w/it which is clever- but he should have blamed it on his gammy- that would have made it ALMOST socially acceptable. This guy is a mumbler– they need to subtitle him– I’m missing what they’re talking about– oops she seemed to like it. WHAT did he say? Is he hearing impaired? He’s making me feel that way. Hunter- has no shame which is actually something I find really attractive (AKA will ferrel, adam sandler etc). I like to see a man playing an instrument- that’s attractive but hunter doesn’t really do it for me. Shooter- OMG he is talking about premature. EPIC FAIL. She needs to pull a Jake and ask Chris if she can send him away STAT!!!! Its not funny, it IS weird and now that’s all we can think about w/you. UGH, she’s got the weatherman/cheeseball and the soap star on the bench- blah.

roberto asked for alone time- kindof awkward timing but a good move. He’s also the only one I noticed her have a “whoa he’s sexy” type reaction to. He’s a FL boy, folks still together, entrepreneur– all’s good. Asks what she’s looking for- that’s nice. He’s got the 1st impression rose FO SHO. Oh, a dancer, nice.

I’m diggin the cape cod dude. WTF– he just LIED! NOT COOL. Maybe it happened recently and he’s emotional. When my dog died I didn’t tell classmates for months bc I couldn’t talk about it w/out crying! Someone w/terrible hair just gave her a fishing hook- yuk. Jay the lawyer and the hook guy get the boot- if it was from me. God, I hope she sends the cheeseball/weatherman home. I don’t dig the wrestler either– total waste of a good looking guy too. He should stop talking. OH NO, the wrestler just let the cat out of the bag that wrestling is FAKE- yank that passport. Oh, good- he’s getting called out for having the wrong motivation- points for Craig though he is giving me a real big brother vibe. I didn’t hear the story behind the tiny shoes but she likes it and appreciates having a big bro for advice. She’s worried about people being there for the wrong reasons- you know, like how she was feeling when she talked w/producers about creating the losing job must leave fiction so that she’d get to be the next bachelorette.

Chris just came in to stir the pot w/the secret mean girls ballot- nice. Kyle’s job is…outdoorsman…that must be nice. I would definitely vote that weatherboy off. Keep the wrestler around- cheese is not a threat. Oh, that’s the first suit you’ve ever bought. You shouldn’t tell people that unless you’re 12. I like the way he talks – a nice gift and he made it w/power tools. I like guys who love their sister’s– What’s his name? I likey. Somebody called soapstar out for having a toupee. funny but I don’t think so- that’s quite an elaborate hair hat if so. I like this southern boy w/the prominent ears. WOW, look at his chest- yes pls! Oh CALLED IT– Roberto gets the 1st rose. This is cringe worthy though.

Jay is slick, and not in a good way. Chris brings the awkward in strong. I hope that dude that just brought the ballot in got paid alot bc that looked awfully toolish and unecessary. Justin got a lot of votes, damn I wish it was cheesyweatherboy. The wrestler looks good and can speak, he’ll stay- she will think the men are jealous bc that’s the way she’d vote. The soap star cannot put a tie and shirt together- yuk.

8 will go home- that doesn’t sound suspicious at all- I’m sure ally didn’t come up w/that number. Jesse gets the first one, I’m not going to name all of them. I’ll just comment on the 8 losers. Hunter looks like he will cut a bitch if he doesn’t get one. Weatherboy is NERVOUS. I bet he loves the movie LA Story. So do I but for different reasons– plllls send him home. OMG the soap star stays. She has weird taste. We do have to keep in mind that she is ABSOLUTELY the producer’s little bitch she will do WHATEVER they like. Which MUST be why she just kept weatherboy. I dislike this girl and see through her obvious desperation for FAME. That fat bottom lip of hers REALLY bothers me- WHY do something so obviously artificial. Angelina is beautiful bc she was born that way– other people need to STOP– nobody is pulling that look off freakshows. Shooter is going to need some serious surgery and the services of witness protection bc he will NEVER live that down.

OMG it looks like this season will be HEAVY on the cheese. Ally thinks she’s auditioning for becoming America’s sweetheart. She is SUPER aware of being on camera. PLEEEEEEASE tell me someone didn’t try to open a vein over this. Oh no, someone w/a girlfriend too?! I feel dirty…and so manipulated. See ya next week.
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PS- those jersey wives get about 1/2 my attn. I’m allergic to too much. but….damn they are really just begging for it. jackie is so cute – she’s my favorite but she should take charge a bit more w/her daughter. the life coach may sound silly and it does, but its also not a bad idea to help her focus. she should have pitched it better– and said- i know it sounds goofy but who knows? i’ll go w/you, let’s go and if its goofy then we’ll have had a good laugh. Then I’d make it a pre-req for getting laundry privileges- HA you got her. sweet and sour. i can’t believe caroline couldn’t talk her sons out of the whole strip club story line- i love her but this skeeves me out.

danielle– looks and acts reptilian– she is just seething evil- its leaking all over the place. I feel like she could peel of a thin layer and she would be one of those creatures we fear and loathe- hunter thompson style. She creeps me out. This benefit at the brownstone is not at all obvious– good job producers.

whoa– jackie just put it DOWN on danielle. so true!!! she is ON. wow, loving caroline too. I guess dina is getting some kind of bonus for agreeing to keep danielle in the storyline.

ugh, I can’t even mention the embarrassing carwash incident. Exploit women=good business– way to be a man Caroline’s son. just yuk. and i already showered.

jeez- is danielle trying to sell her daughter? this is weird. is she trying to scare her enemies? check that off your list crazy girl. handle w/care- she and kelly bensimon should hang out. Are you there Bravo gods? Its me Kim. Could you make that happen pls. Have the whitesuits on standby but just think about the ratings GOLD of getting those nutballs together.

I swear Theresa is 11 yrs old. I would definitely keep her around for sheer entertainment. She would get an invite to every sleepover– she always brings the best barbies- and she is unmatched at playing dress up. Oh, getting leaky over the godmother invite– that’s so sweet. that’s a nice catholic tradition– do the diet catholics do that?

jeez w/the previews– its all sopranos up in there. trying to lure me back. bastiches!

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OMG- dean is soo desperate. He’s sooo obviously trying to get on that stupid star dancing show that’s too annoying to mention. gross I don’t even know if I can watch this show– Tori and Dean. pls stop.

Is that smart to put play-doh in the mouth in front of impressionable children?

I do like to watch them redecorate though. I don’t always agree w/her taste, though I’m almost w/her on the TV love, but I like to watch anyone decorate. Dean skeeves me out– his desperate, faux super-earnest bid for attn is just too obvious. its painful. Pls, like Dean is lacking self confidence– he can barely carry that head of his around. He’s just like one of those whiny girls who always needs reassurance. There is nothing tori and dean won’t do for these producers. Its funny though bc I still somehow find Tori so likable– and I used to hate her and say terrible mean things about her when she was Donna. Ah, maturity. 😉 Her, not me. Obviously.

Are they really putting diapers on that chicken? Dean should NOT be allowed to race– I get the distinct impression that he sux. That’s so cute/clueless- she didn’t know paint doesn’t come out of clothes. Where’s that button that lets me strike through words??? I loved that button. I haven’t been blabbing in a while. Good motorcycle advice for Dean. He’s not a bikes best friend. True that Dean- w/out your family you’re nothing. Now don’t just say it super earnestly into the camera, just do it.

oops I just figured out that Ali spells it like Mohommed. Now I will think of her as ALI. Floats like a dragonfly, stings like a wasp. She’s about to come out on Jimmy Kimmel. She looks cute- side pony tail girl has brought the twins out to play and still needs to tone down her hair. ALSO–We’d like to know a little more about you for our files. We’d like to help you learn to help yourself.

Her lip looks a bit more normal. Ali seems to be saying she found love but really not saying much of anything. What she’s TRULY in love w/is herself and you Jimmy, bc you’re giving her time on TV. Oh, I never saw those extra clips of the tool that climbed out of the roof and didn’t even quote shakespeare– he needs to go. She’s a freak, she just admitted to liking sensitive pony tail guys and dudes who wear fanny packs. She needs help. Jimmy just invited her back each week- that should be fun. He makes me laugh and worships letterman like I do.

Looks like Monday night will be all reality ALL night– that sux bc I also have to watch those crazy bitches in NYC– bc those housewives are putting the batshit DOWN HARD! Did you see Kelly Bensimon go mental on TV– almost sad. Almost. She has been righteously begging for it since last season– she is UNBELIEVABLY IMPRESSED w/herself. Its fascinating.

That was sweet of Dean at the end but again, Obvious Boy, he just wanted to not go to bed w/her V Jay jay mad at him.

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The Bachelorette is neverending and updates…ok but that is IT!

This show will not go away- but I cannot NOT watch! Evidently this is the only thing I find time to write about- it is my appt TV- and that is just pathetic. Hopefully its really over this time and they can just give us just a little break-its too much of a good/weird thing… but I’m hooked so…

Here we go-this little speedy version of their romance is nice- awwww- maybe these two will really last- they are just the epitome of CUTE – and bonus, they seem like really nice people. Oh its a whole recap session- some of those I didn’t watch or at least barely watched. My parents, for some reason, watch this show and always call to tell me its on. Sometimes its up against The Hills and it loses that face off- I just flip over there on commercials. But I did watch this one pretty regularly. Nice to see Jimmy Kimmel getting some advertising love- he’s a funny little mother. But I cannot abandon Letterman- he’s still the man- so cute when he talks about Harry- still loving him.

Oh Matt and Shayne- this one did not get much attention- he seemed so cute but my mom thought he was a douchebag- so I quit tuning in much- even though he’s hot and I dig the accent of course.  LOVE the dramatic pause w/the hi maintenance question- love that she admitted it too. She IS one sandwich short of a picnic- a bit annoying- she’s so young and VERY impressed w/herself– that’s gonna get old fast. Hmm- maybe they actually like each other- I got the vibe, actually from both of them that they REALLY love the cameras though. I do actually realize that I say actually a bit too much- let’s just say its one of my favorite words. I think they are all caught up in the drama and they really want to be famous. That is immediately suspect to me- people who want to be famous are special. The rude checkout person, people who drive slow in the fastlane, people who don’t use their turn signals, people who vote republican- these are all special people.

Omg love that bulldog. Firestone…a lot coming up

Aaron has his arms in things?- ha terrorist fist jab w/receptionist- way to plug, plugger. This will be good for business I’m sure. People who own restaurants are an interesting bunch- I’m not saying good or bad bc I’ve known both but without fail- interesting people. He seems like he wants on some Gwen or Brooke- that was a shout out- or booty call.

OMG this Bob dude is so annoying- I can’t stand him- pls give me a break -Matt Leinart? Looks like Will Ferrel -that’s more like it. I watched some of the Firestone- he seemed genuine but I just don’t find him attractive- he’s good on paper. That’s good that he’s happy though- he seems nice, his money is very attractive omg so is his dog- aw they’re so cute- I’m gonna puke. Ok up next the bachelorettes.

Omg the gold digger- crazy much? Her guy looks normal- hmm maybe she grew out of her crazy, that tiara girl is just annoying- go away.

Brooke and her husband look perfect for each other- good for her- they are like Southern Barbie and Ken. I don’t know this girl- oh dear- she’s so sad w/the crying- Heather- oh good that’s nice 20 yrs later to hook up w/hi school bfriend. Hmm – maybe I should look up some of the dorks I dated in hi school. Oh, this girl- I watched this season- she looks better but I remember this update- she seems so desperate and lonely- like she’s trying really hard to convince herself that she’s happy- note to self- don’t talk about my dog like that. Omg the orange teeth girl- eww- prop comic! She’s annoying- enough w/her- no one cares if you’re taken.

Trista annoys me the way Kelly did on 90210- you like her but she just seems so perfect that its like fingernails on a chalkboard. Trista and Ryan seem nice but I’m exhausted w/them- donezo. Did not watch that wedding- they dragged that shit out for waaay too long. Cute baby. Hmm that’s sexy the architect designing the “green” house. I like this commercial w/the creepy Shining twins- wonder why they didn’t do girls though- worried about a lawsuit? A KY jelly commercial-I’m glad I don’t have to explain that to any kids- how would you do that I wonder? Swing Vote looks interesting- can’t tell what its about.

Big shoes to fill?- I think they should look to their parents for relationship advice not Trista and Ryan. This is so hokey- how do you handle it- all the non normal life stuff? I’m bored. Rocky Mtn people rock- that’s funny! Don’t ruin that by meeting people and being mean? Wow, that’s some really good advice. I’m not sure he’s the sharpest tool in the shed but I kinda like that- you know I like ’em young, dumb and full of…

Jesse seems weirded out about the babies- you better look out brother bc THEY ARE COMING- I can hear her clock ticking from here. Damn, gotta get me one of them toddlers he’s adorable!

OMG I love it- Brad watching so intently while sandwiching then switching to football- that was sexy! Watching Dave on Oprah- the bicycle in the driveway story was so cute- he’s making my clock tick. Switching between Jon and Kate- but I’m just gonna have to catch that again- its TLC so they will air it soon. I need to get myself one of those magic boxes that tape shows and recommend shit. Back to Letterman –He is so sexy- I don’t care how old he is- eww but I don’t care for how he speaks about Regina- I wouldn’t tolerate that- he said- here’s a pic of the whole family that’s his mother Regina _____- didn’t catch it but didn’t like it that he used her last name and referred to her that way- ouch. Harry is adorable! Damn toddlers- they’re everywhere!

 

Rat shit, Bat shit, The Bachelorette, twat…

69 assholes tied in a knot…hooray, lizard shit FUCK! George Carlin died…so I’m bumming on that and turned to a little reality TV for comfort. Another 2 hour Bachelorette- hey ABC get an editor- I like my reality TV shame in small doses!

I need to vent about it a little. Deanna just sent Graham home and cried of course. The best/worst part is he left her a note…WTF (I need to know what it said you evil ABC trolls!)? Just bc he said its just for her and not for TV or anyone else doesn’t mean its not for us- I’m going to have to call party foul- that’s not fair!! I mean, what could it have said? Do you like me? check yes or no? That seems to be his emotional maturity level. The guy has never had a serious relationship and that is not a good sign. I’m surprised he didn’t give her the note and then ask for it back bc I’m sure it hurts him just knowing its out there. Well, too bad, soo sad Graham, it hurts me too bc I need to know- somebody at ABC needs to check his contract bc I don’t think that type of thing is allowed.

I think she really cares for him and now w/the note he’s going to be still sort of dangling out there in her mind. I think they are totally fucking w/us by not letting us know bc now I’m all caught up in the drama- grr. You know they’re going to manipulate it all too, so that we won’t know –this show is really working my last nerve- I almost left when she sent home that science teacher bc DAMN! I think of the picks she has left I would have to go for Jeremy but I don’t think she’s listening to me. I didn’t like the way Jason was hopping up and down when she walked up but I think when she met Jason’s little boy- he really got a bit of an edge- I think she wants babies so bad her womb was orgasmic watching them together. But Jeremy sure does get described as perfect alot- I think the parental loss bond is important to her and she liked the rest of his brood. Jesse’s so down to earth and loved his family, not to mention he has a non-profit org for kids and hasn’t even bragged on that- his score was climbing. He’s a little short, but doesn’t seem to have SMS (short man syndrome) so I’m getting over that. I am kindof worried that she may try to pull a Brad and bail on the whole thing bc of Graham… and actually, I’m worried that I care. BTW I don’t think that Deanna is a twat, she seems quite nice and definitely grounded on this planet…or down to earth…if I hear that one more time…I’m going to make it a drinking game when they have the reunion special- that girl is really feeeling the gravity.